The Send Off
/The Send Off
By: Dale Gabriel
PSP Flashback, December 1992.
I am still in my 20s. I have about five years on the job and less than a year at my home station, Kiski Valley. I am working a midnight stretch with a long-time veteran trooper, a guy on the job about as long as I have been on Earth. I had actually known Frank since I was 14, when he would come down to a small-town garage where I worked for many years. He was actually one of the guys who talked me into taking the PSP test. (So, it was HIS fault!) I had the "honor" of being Frank's very last partner, as he was working his final shift with PSP, or so it seemed!
Our dispatcher asked us to find a phone or return to station, that he needed to talk to us about something. Long before the days of cellphones, your choices were to stop at a pay phone, stop at a business you knew or return to station, which is what we did, since we were close. We got there, and he asked us if we should respond to a skunk in someone's house.
Frank immediately responded. "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Now, I was still at the stage of my career where I thought we could actually make a difference and help people ALL the time. I asked him what if it were his wife or my mother? I said we should go and try to help her. Asking about HIS wife may not have been the best idea! He said, "YOU can go and help HER." Bad divorce!
We go to the lady's place, and Frank stayed in the car. I went inside and met the 30-something lady, who pointed and said the skunk was under her couch. For some reason, I just assumed she was older before we got there. After talking to her and NOT smelling a skunk, I told her that she must be mistaken, that it must be something else and not a skunk. So, I got down on my hands and knees in front of the couch. I shined my light but could only see a couple of beady eyes looking at me. I thought it was probably a rat or baby opossum. I put on gloves, got down on my knees again and lifted the couch up, planning to grab it. It was INDEED a skunk, and I dropped the couch. But it did not spray.
I took a step back to assess the situation. As we all know, a good "statie" can handle ANYTHING after assessing the situation! As a country boy who was sprayed before, I knew that skunks are very slow, and kind of "meander" wherever they go. I proceeded to get every pillow in the woman's house and make a pathway from the couch to the door. I figured the skunk would follow the trail all the way out the door. Simple, right
With the pathway made, I lifted the couch, but he would not budge initially. I picked up one of the pillows and threw it at him, which prompted him to proceed exactly as I had planned. This statie thing is easy.... but his path was painstakingly slow. Then, he got to where the pillow was missing, and made his own path, which is what I have always told my kids to do for years since then, but is NOT what I wanted Mr. Peppy Le Pew to do.
He then went back a long hallway until he was trapped at the end. I repositioned the pillows from the hallway to the door. I figured if it worked once, it would work again, right? My little black and white friend, however, had a different idea entirely. He refused to budge. I started throwing stuff at him in an attempt to get him to take the path to the door. At this point, I am shocked that he has not sprayed yet.
I step back for a moment, obviously deep in thought. Time to reassess my reassessment. I told the lady that surely this was NOT a wild skunk and must been somebody's pet! He must have gotten loose from somewhere. He must have been "de-stinked," or whatever they call it, so that he no longer has an odor and cannot spray. I don't really think that made her feel any better.
I put my gloves back on and slowly and stealthily approached him. I planned to grab him and run him to the door. Looking back now, this whole adventure would be ideal for one of today's cable TV shows. I was about two feet away when he lifted his tail, but he DID NOT SPRAY. Surely, I was correct that this was someone's pet and was "fixed."
I quickly jumped into an adjacent room using my best Ninja skills. I cracked the door a bit and was peeking out trying to locate him, but I could not see him. Suddenly, I felt him at my feet. I may or may not have let out a little scream, but if a trooper screams at a skunk in a bathroom in a house in the middle of the woods, with nobody there to hear it, did it REALLY happen? I jumped out of the room and closed him in.
End of story, right? It COULD have been. It SHOULD have been. I told the lady at that point that she was safe and would have to call the game commission or an exterminator or something, and she started crying. CRYINIG???? Geez!
By this time, curiosity had gotten the best of Frank. He had wondered what was going on and had come to the door. I did not realize he was watching. He was standing at the door laughing hysterically. I asked him what I should do. His reply was "Entertain me." So much for "having my back." So much for the veteran trooper doing all he could to educate the kid, the kid he has known for years, the kid trooper who THINKS he knows better. Sadly, this is a theme that played out throughout my career!
At this point though, I was absolutely positively 100% SURE that his sprayer had been removed. I opened the door and was just going to grab him, run to the door and toss him out, but he then did exactly what I had originally wanted. He slowly walked the pathway to the door. Frank jumped out of the way.
Yes! I knew what I was doing ALL along. This was going to work!! Score one for the kid over the savvy veteran! After all of that, I did not get sprayed. My plan worked to perfection. Until the skunk went behind the door jamb, instead of out the door. What a damn stupid skunk!!
At this point, I am pissed at that damn stupid skunk, who obviously could no longer spray. So, I reached down to grab him. You can probably guess what happened next. Am I the ONLY one who did not see that coming?? The foggy mist seemed to go on forever. I also realized they have pretty good aim. I grabbed him and threw him out.
NOW, end of story, right? You would think so, but again NOT! After all of that, I learned that the lady's husband was home and was sleeping. I "went off" on her a bit. Between that, and the fact that she blamed me for the skunk spraying in her house, the lady called in a complaint on me. Fortunately, a good supervisor fielded the call, and it did not go anywhere else. That really seemed to be another theme throughout my career!
How is that for giving a guy an unbelievable send-off into retirement?
Dale Gabriel is a retired patrol and community services officer with the Pennsylvania State Police. After 25+ years of service, in retirement, he has been working on a book of his many PSP memories. He also coaches a baseball team in a Miracle League for those with special needs. He holds a communication degree with English minor from Saint Vincent College in Western Pennsylvania.
